


Figuring It Out

by professor



Category: Daria (Cartoon)
Genre: Biphobia, Bisexual Character, College, F/F, Gen, POV Bisexual Character, POV Female Character, Questioning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-23
Updated: 2013-12-23
Packaged: 2018-01-05 16:10:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1095970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/professor/pseuds/professor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>During Jane's sophomore year at BFAC, she starts wondering if Alison was right about her after all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Figuring It Out

**Author's Note:**

  * For [katekane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/katekane/gifts).



Jane Lane is not a coward. She’s just …. assessing her options before making a decision. She’s being cautious. Prudent. Thinking ahead, which no Lane before her had done, ever. 

Jane looks in the mirror at her tired face. “You’re a damn liar, Lane,” she mutters, as she paints on her lipstick at the beginning of the day.

Later that night, she opens up the link in her browser. OkCupid. She clicks on Edit Profile, and selects the drop down menu for Orientation.

_Orientation:_

_I’m straight_

_I’m gay_

_I’m bisexual_

She hovers over “I’m bisexual” for a long minute, before sighing and closing out the tab before saving any of her changes.

*****

“Talk to me, Lane,” says Daria. “You’ve been moping for days.” 

“I’m fine,” says Jane unconvincingly.

“You are a lying liar. Who lies,” says Daria. “Something’s eating you.”

“I wish,” mutters Jane.

Daria says nothing in response, just staring at her with that implacable Daria stare.

Finally, Jane breaks down. “Have you ever thought about doing a thing, that you knew would piss people off, and you wanted to go ahead and do it anyway?”

“I’m sorry, have you met me?” says Daria.

Jane says nothing in response. She should talk to Daria about this. She knows that. They’ve been through everything together. But for some reason, this is different.

The silence stretches out between them, growing awkward. 

Finally, Daria sighs. “Look, tell me, or don’t, but if you won’t talk to me, talk to someone. Bare your soul and all that crap. And I’ll be here for you when you’re ready, if you want.” 

And then, because Daria is a true friend, she changes the subject.

Despite all the crap they’ve been through, Jane sometimes wonders how she got so lucky with a friend like Daria.

*****

Jane creates a second OKCupid account with another email address. She doesn’t upload a photo, which means probably no one will message her. That’s fine. That’s not really why she created the account.

_Artsy Bi-chick seeks Same_ , Jane reads, clicking on it because it seems promising.

And then clicks back out of it, just as quickly, once she reads the sentence, “I like to do performance art at open mic night --”

Yeah, NOPE. (Jane doesn’t care if this makes her an art snob. There’s _art_ , and there are idiots masturbating in public.)

She clicks on _Cycle Lesbian_ next, and it also seems promising, at least until she gets to this charming paragraph:

_“Look, I respect that college is time to ‘find yourself’ or whatever, but I’m tired of being burned by flaky college ‘bi-curious’ girls. Bisexuality is a myth, anyway.”_

Jane closes her browser tab after that.

*****

Jane is sketching furiously, head bent over her sketchbook, trying to capture all the thoughts and feelings currently swirling around in her head on paper.

It’s no good. She should be using canvas, flinging paint willy nilly across the pristine white plain. Unfortunately, in the years that they’ve known each other, Daria has gotten good enough at deciphering Jane’s paintings that she can usually pinpoint Jane’s mood. The last thing Jane wants is scrutiny while she tries to figure things out.

So, sketchbooks. Drawing. Pen and pencil and charcoal sketched in rough lines across thick white paper. The sketches start abstract but soon begin to define themselves. Two rough female figures standing , facing each other, hands outstretched as though to touch each other, but not touching each other. 

Sometimes Jane’s muse is subtle. Sometimes she’s really not.

*****

“Hey Janey,” Trent rasps as he picks up the phone. 

“Hey.” Trent calls her every Sunday evening, like clockwork. It might be the only thing he’s ever been reliable and on time for. 

He asks about her week, and she rattles off info about her classes, her paintings, her friends (which surprisingly number more than just Daria). 

“How about you tell me what’s wrong, Janey?” 

Jane sighs, because of _course_ Trent can tell. “I’m not ready to talk about it.”

“When you are ready, I’m here. You know that, right?”

And she does know that. But this is still private for her. She’s not ready yet.

*****

Jane lies on her bed, head dangling off the edge. (It’s a good thing Daria’s not home at the apartment they are sharing in Boston, or she would instantly recognize the “something eating at her soul” pose.)

_Bisexual_ , Jane thinks. _I might be bisexual. I might like sex with girls as much as boys._ She plays around with the idea in her head. 

_Why is this bugging you so much, self? Is it because of Alison? Is it because you are so invested in her being wrong about you, and you being right about you?_

_Do I like Daria as more than just a friend? Maybe. Maybe not._ The relationship between her and Daria would always be a tangled knot, mostly good, some bad. Jane sets aside Daria for now. It may feel tangled up in this, but it’s actually a separate problem. She can deal with it later. For now, keep things simple. Simpler, anyway.

_Okay, you’ve been noticing girls lately. Women. Thinking about them. Wondering what it would be like to hold hands, to go out on dates, to kiss, to have sex. Not necessarily in that order. Painting them naked, and not necessarily for art class._

_Maybe I could be gay. There’s a lot of crap out there about bisexuals being greedy, or being too scared to come out “all the way”, or just lying to themselves or being in denial._

_But you haven’t **stopped** noticing guys. It just feels like your horizons have … expanded. And the term bisexual feels right, when I think about it._

_Forget about Alison. She’s irrelevant. Denying you might be bisexual just to prove her wrong is stupid. Same with those assholes on the Internet. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, except yourself._

_So, Jane Lane. What do you want?_

*****

For all of the thought Jane’s been giving this whole issue, when she decides to go for it, go for it she does.

She changes her OKCupid profile to say “I’m bisexual”, and adds this to her profile (her real profile):

I marked myself down as “I’m bisexual”, but really, “I’m curious” or “I’m questioning” is better. I want to try dating women, but I’ve never done it before. I’m not looking to lead anyone on, but I can’t promise I won’t screw it up. But if you’re a woman and you’d like to start slow, maybe with coffee, maybe checking out an art gallery, go ahead and shoot me a message.

Then she saves her changes, and waits.

*****

Jane sits at the little wooden table at the coffee shop, a hot coffee untouched in front of her. She drums her fingers nervously against the table, and keeps checking her phone for the time. 

_It’s five minutes early_ , Jane tells herself. _You actually dragged yourself here early, a feat unheard of for a Lane, but it also means that she’s not late yet._

_You could still leave_ , whispers her deep-seated self-doubt. _You could leave, and no one would know._

A voice cuts into Jane’s internal dialogue. “Hi, are you Jane?” 

Startled, Jane looks up. “That’s me.” 

The woman smiles and holds out a dark-skinned hand for Jane to shake, and Jane does. She’s got a nice firm grip, but doesn’t try to crush Jane’s hand. “Hi Jane. I’m Chloe. It's nice to meet you.”

Jane smiles back.


End file.
